Category: Humor & Satire

Canada Agrees to Fund Half the US Border Wall

December 31, 2015: Rush Priority

In breaking news, Justin Trudeau and Stephen Harper appeared in a joint press conference to bring in the new year, and the focus of their discussion was civic safety in Canada, prevention of the spread of extremism in Canada and protecting Canadians from foreign aggression.

The two Canadian leaders joined forces to announce their unified support of Ben Carson’s Republican Proposal to completely separate America from its neighbors, by building a wall along the US-Canadian border. Moreover, they agreed to support Donald Trump’s and Ted Cruz’s wall-around-the-United-States. The press release stated, “Without Harping On about these proposals, We Support the US’ effort to transform their country into a walled estate, for their 0.1% and attendant serfs.”

“We recognize the need for a completely walled United States. The US will need a wall to the south, to prevent access from Southern Rebels, who have a documented history of violence and lawlessness, walls to the east and west to eliminate the affects of rising sea levels, which are caused by the spontaneous combustion of fossil fuels from naturally occurring processes, such as the serfs striving to keep the temperature up to enable the 0.1%’s young women to continue to be scantily undressed, because of the inability of aging Billionaires to keep up their own, umm…flagging libidos.”

The wall to the North of the United States is required to keep the cold arctic air from descending upon NY City, the bastion of all things which 0.1% enjoy.

Thus the US will be protected from all outside influences. The wall will also protect the innocents outside the US from random gunfire from lone wolf terrorists, and the alarming rate of accidental discharges from US police firearms.

The Canadian Government will fund 50% of the cost of the wall between Canada and the US for four reasons. First, we want to keep our cold air for ourselves in the face of Climate Change. Second, we want to continue the North America tradition initiated by the US, of controlling lawless southerners. Third, it will help to preserve our leadership in ice hockey, and Fourth, it will facilitate controlling the flow of American guns and ammunition illegally to Canada.

Two items of related news have recently come to our attention:

1. Smith and Wesson have filed an ISDS suit against over 120 countries around the world for preventing the open sale, carry and use of firearms, stating that these restrictive laws are damaging Smith and Wesson’s potential profits worldwide, while removing the beneficial effects of gun ownership, including controlling climate change by eliminating surplus population.

2. Texas has announced it will build its own wall around its state, funded by the federal government, because Texans believe all the non-Texan taxpayers in the US owe Texas for its leadership in civics. Texas hopes the wall will span a large enough area for either President Donald Trump’s or President Ted Cruz’s ego to find a new home, or should they fail and President Hilary Clinton is Elected, to keep President Clinton’s triangulation out of Texas. An unnamed source explained, “Everything’s bigger in Texas, but even Texas is not large enough for either Clinton’s Triangles. Nothing is large enough for that.”

Friday (uh, Caturday) Cat Blogging

The Guinness Book of World Records has a new listing for oldest pet cat: 26 years and 15 days.

Since kittenhood, Corduroy has lived with owner Ashley Reed Okura, who was only seven years old when the cat entered her life, Guinness officials said.

“The secret has been allowing him to be a cat – hunting and getting plenty of love,” Reed Okura said in a statement.

Aside from chasing mice, the cat also likes to eat cheddar cheese, according to Guinness officials.

Some cats don’t age as well – after the fold.
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